So, this morning Windows decided I wasn't having enough fun in my life, and decided to fuck with me.
Yesterday, it had updated but I had not yet restarted. I hadn't scheduled it - in fact the schedule window was open so I could dictate when I wanted the thing to update. When I woke up, I saw...
asusn56vj
black screen
boot menu
classic start menu
control panel
file safety
mouse settings
preview build
revert
rollback
safe mode
system issues
taskbar
trackpad
troubleshooting
uninstall
update
user accounts
windows 10
windows update