How not to be eaten by a duck 1 Avoid smearing yourself in stale breadcrumbs unless absolutely necessary. 2 If threatened by a duck, climb a tree. Ducks, usually excellent climbers, refuse to share trees with anything else. 3 Carry a large automatic weapon with you whenever walking past a river or pond. 4 Become a microbiologist and develop a duck form of myxamatosis. 5 Become an electronics whizz and build a battery-powered thingy that repels ducks by means of ultrasound. 6 Become a physicist and repel ducks. And everything else. 7 Carry a tin whistle in your shirt pocket or handbag and practise duck-charming techniques to buy time to escape, should you be threatened. 8 Move to Siberia. As far as I know, no ducks live near there. 9 If you can't beat them, join them: Whilst ducks may be vicious, they are civilised creatures and the idea of cannibalism disgusts them. Rather than just getting another pullover from your granny next Christmas, ask her for a duck costume instead. 10 Do everything in your car. Eat in it, sleep in it, perhaps even travel in it. Never leave your car. Remember to check it for ducks first. 11 Go on a safari holiday to Africa, go to see the lions and jump out of the Land Rover into the middle of a hungry pride. I'd like to see a duck try to reach you then. 12 Contract Anorexia Nervosa and wear tight clothing to make sure the ducks realise they'd be wasting their time eating you. 13 Sneak onto the set of a film about the middle ages and steal some chain mail. 14 Ask God to reconsider whether they were worth putting on the planet in the first place. Be polite. 15 Make friends with lots of plump, tasty-looking people. Hang about with them all the time, after making sure you can run faster than all of them. 16 Do not mistake ducks for geese. Geese will allow themselves to be petted and stroked and even hand-fed whilst ducks will take your arm off at the first available opportunity. 17 Do not accept any offers from shifty-looking blokes in cars who enquire as to whether you would like to come with him to see some baby ducklings. 18 Learn Judo or Karate. Practise sparring only with very short people. 19 Buy a few readily-killed ducks from Tesco and string the beaks around your neck along with a few bones and a feather headdress. Walk around half-naked covered in warpaint with a large knife and a collection of fearsome facial expressions. They ought to get the idea then. 20 Live solely on garlic, onions, leeks, kebabs, truffles, beetroot and Ferrero Rocher. Never brush your teeth, breathe through your mouth and you should be safe provided you never holiday in France. 21 Carry several different types of underarm deodorant with you throughout the day. Keep changing your smell so that ducks cannot follow your scent and track you to your home. 22 Never write any novels denouncing duck deities. If you do, apologize and go into hiding. 23 Constantly chew at least ten sticks of gum simultaneously. Keep dropping lumps so that any inquisitive ducks will have their beaks glued shut. 24 Marinade yourself in white wine, strip naked and drape yourself invitingly on a large plate. The ducks may think it a little too good to be true and will stay away, suspecting a booby-trap.