Tell Us A Joke!

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by alfred01, May 28, 2011.

  1. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    I have to Thank whoosh for reminding me of this one.

    I was booting up my computer the other day and the screen told me to press any key........I still can't find it! [​IMG]
     
  2. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    OK does everyone know who Jeff Foxworthy is, you know the "You know you're a redneck if........." guy. Here's a couple of my favorites:

    You know you're a redneck if someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

    You know you're a redneck if your matching set of salad bowls say CoolWhip on the side.
     
  3. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

    The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

    "No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

    "Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

    "Listen here," argued the farmer, "my wife's got a bug up her a$$ and I'm a goin' huntin' for it. Like I said, I want me one of them condoms with PESTICIDE on it!"
     
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  4. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    screwed!

    The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

    "I want to get screwed," said the man.

    "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

    The man did this, the panel was closed and several minutes passed. Nothing happened.

    He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

    "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

    "What?" said the voice, ..........."Again?"
     
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  5. whoosh

    whoosh Cooler King
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    Re: screwed!

    A hole has appeared in the road and the police are looking into it 3692861328. :)
     
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  6. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    Re: screwed!

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

    We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

    Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
     
    #6 alfred01, May 31, 2011
    Last edited: May 31, 2011
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  7. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    Re: screwed!

    *What do you call a blonde with a chainsaw?................... Dead!

    *What's grosser than gross? Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
    What's even grosser than that? When one of them throws up.

    *My Dad was always losing his keys. He'd tried everything -- putting them on a hook, putting them in a bowl by the bed, even getting a keychain that made a little beeping sound when you clapped -- but nothing helped. So this year, we all had an idea for his birthday. So we all pitched in, and for his birthday, we put him in a nursing home.

    * Do you know why blind people don't skydive? It scares the crap out of their seeing-eye-dogs.
     
  8. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    Re: screwed!

    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
     
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  9. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    jokes

    joke.JPG

    imagine the free ride area!
     
  10. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    Re: jokes

    Hey, who changed my title? :p

    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
     
  11. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    ooppss sorry about that..:p i thought that would only change my post part..guess not...:eek:

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.


    The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."

    The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."



    The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where

    the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"



    The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to

    the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"



    The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"
     
    #11 rbeldua, Jun 2, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2011
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  12. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

    If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
     
  13. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda! Look it up!"The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." [/FONT]
     
  14. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    :rofl: :rofl:

    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
     
  15. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]A man was looking for a new caddy one day when his friend said " I know a great caddy - he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk" [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]
    "OK then " said the man "tell him I'm playing again in a week. "
    [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddy "did you see where it went" [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]
    The caddy then said "yes"
    [/FONT]

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]"OK then where is it?" [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]
    The caddy replied "I forgot."
    [/FONT] :hide:
     
  16. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    A young man is walking in a park one day when he comes upon an old man crying like a baby on a park bench. The young man, concerned, went up to the old man and asked him what the problem was, to which the old man replied, "Well, I've got this gorgeous young wife who looks after my every need. She's a gourmet cook, keeps the house spotless, bathes me and in bed, well, let me just say she does everything I ask".

    Perplexed by this, the younger man then asks, "then why are you crying" to which the old man replies "I don't remember where I live".
     
  17. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    There were three guys in a forest.

    Then they were being attacked by cannibals.

    The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.

    So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.

    The first guy comes back with 10 apples.

    Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."

    So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.

    Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.

    Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."

    So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.

    Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!



     
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  18. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

    The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

    "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
     
  19. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

    "You'll be fine," he said.

    She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

    The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

    "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

    He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
     
  20. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
     

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