Tell Us A Joke!

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by alfred01, May 28, 2011.

  1. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps

    on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.



    He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.



    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.



    The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"



    "But why?" asks the man.



    "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
     
  2. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
    A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

    Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
    A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

    Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
    A: A good start!

    Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
    A: His lips are moving.

    Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.

    Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.

    Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
    A: To practice.

    A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
    The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows Vista:

    1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

    2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

    3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

    4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

    5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

    6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.

    7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

    8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want
    to play another game?

    9) Windows message: "You have just made a type
    mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"

    10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the
    universe, please log off."

    11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

    12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port
    not responding.

    13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press
    any key.

    14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot
    Washington D.C? (Y/N)

    15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

    16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the
    cat? (Y/N)

    17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF:
    Incompetent User.

    18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY
    one? (Y/N)

    19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup...
    PENCIL & PAPER.

    20) User Error: Replace user.

    21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found:
    Remove it? (Y/Y)"

    22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
    Evidence Nuker Software will permanently delete
    everything you want erased.
     
  4. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

    Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    "I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

    "I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

    "You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
     
  5. Elmer

    Elmer Extraordinary Member

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    UK based joke. And an old one to boot but still makes me smile.

    I got banned from B&Q the other day. As I walked through the door this old fella in an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking.

    Luckily I got the first punch in.
     
  6. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    What's easy to get into, but hard to get out of?;)...........................................................................................Trouble :peace:
     
  7. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

    A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.

    While walking Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

    Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."

    "Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.
     
  8. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
     
  9. kaos

    kaos Senior Member

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    ALT GR , when ALT is just not angry enough
     
  10. kaos

    kaos Senior Member

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    my name is joesph fritzl and no windows was my idea
     
  11. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A man who had never been in a court of law before was put on the stand as a witness.

    The court stenographer recorded every word he said.

    The man started to talk faster.

    The stenographer's fingers flew across her keyboard.

    The man spoke even faster, but finally came to an abrupt halt and said, "Miss, will you stop writing so fast? I can't keep up with you!"
     
  12. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    An elderly man and his son were at the cottage. The father was out fishing on the dock, casting and reeling in, and casting and reeling in. Finally his son comes up to him and says "you're not catching anything, are you Dad?" His Dad replied, "no, how did you know?" His son says "you're fishing with a mop Dad".
     
  13. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    This blonde wanted a haircut, so she goes to the hair sylist and says, "I want a haircut." The sylist says, "Sure, but only if you'll take off your headphones." The blonde replies, "If I do, I will die" and proceeds to walk out of the salon. So, the blond and the sylist have similar conversation for a few more days. Then the blond comes in again, and asks for a haircut. The hair sylist says again that she would have to take off the headphones. Blonde then again replies that she would die if she did. So, the hair sylist just goes up to the blonde and takes off her headphones. The blonde dies. The hair sylist listens to what was playing on her headphones, and she hears "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out."
     
  14. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
     
  15. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay."No, I'm not,"

    the guy replies."I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.""Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?""Nothing.

    I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore.

    "Well, what did you say to your best friend?"

    "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
     
  16. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

    "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

    "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.

    "I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

    "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

    After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
     
  17. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

    With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

    What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

    It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.

    Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,

    and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee."
     
  18. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A Chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a bar. Spielberg suddenly slapped the Chinese..


    Chinese: why?


    Spielberg: Because you bombed Pearl Harbor! My father died there!


    Chinese: But I am Chinese, not Japanese.


    Spielberg: You fool! Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Taiwanese, you are all the same.


    The Chinese punched Spielberg.


    Spielberg: Why did you do that?


    Chinese: That's for sinking the Titanic.


    Spielberg: But Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, stupid!


    Chinese: Iceberg, carlsberg, spielberg, you are all the same!!
     
  19. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother in law.

    One morning, while deep in the forest, the wife awoke to find her mother gone.


    Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother...

    The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.


    In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight:


    the mother in law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her.


    The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"


    "Nothing," said the hunter husband.


    "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."


     
  20. Super Sarge

    Super Sarge New Member

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    Post Turtle
    While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

    The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.


    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

    The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

    The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. '
    You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb *** put him up there to begin with'.
     

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