Tell Us A Joke!

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by alfred01, May 28, 2011.

  1. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    known computer viruses

    Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.


    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


    Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.


    Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.


    Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.


    Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.


    Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."


    AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

    MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.


    Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.


    Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.


    Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.


    Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

    Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.


    New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.


    Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.


    Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.


    Nike virus: Just does it.



     
  2. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG] [​IMG]


    Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

    Eye halve a spelling chequer
    It came with my pea sea
    It plainly marques four my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    Eye strike a key and type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can put the error rite
    Its rarely ever wrong.

    Eye have run this poem threw it
    I am shore your pleased two no
    Its letter perfect in it's weigh
    My chequer tolled me sew.
     
  3. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'
     
  4. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

    Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

    Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

    Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

    Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
     
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  5. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman waving at him and saying hello.

    He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says,

    "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my *** with wet celery???"

    She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's teacher!"
     
  6. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

    St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

    Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

    St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
     
  7. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
    After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
     
  8. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

    "Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

    "OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

    GOD says, "So you would like them."

    "OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

    "So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

    The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

    GOD says, "So they would love you!"
     
  9. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was
    there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."


    Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?"


    The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."


    The doctor considered this for a second, and continued... "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"


    The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."
     
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  10. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

    My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

    Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

    Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

    I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
     
  11. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a baby with blonde hair? They named her "Sum Ting Wong"
     
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  12. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A truck driver was driving down the highway one afternoon and heard a "pop."

    Thinking that perhaps he had blown a tire, he stopped and went out to check his tires.



    He found a bottle laying in the gutter.



    He picked it up and wiped off the label to see what kind of bottle it was when a very old genie popped out.



    The genie said, "Man, I'm too old for this! You get one wish, not three - just one."



    The driver thought long and hard, and finally said,



    "It would be really nice for all the bridges to be wide enough that over-sized loads could get through without any trouble."



    The genie said, "Do you know how many bridges that would be?!



    Can't you come up with something simpler?"



    The driver replied, "How about you make all the blondes as smart as brunettes?"



    The genie answered, "Well how wide would you like those bridges?"
     
  13. fugno

    fugno New Member

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    [TABLE="class: MsoNormalTable, width: 100%"]
    [TR]
    [TD="width: 100%, bgcolor: transparent"]In honor of Governor Schwarzenegger,
    a new commandment has been added to the Bible.
    Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:
    "Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff"

    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
     
    2 people like this.
  14. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

    He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

    The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

    "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

    This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

    After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAt until I get back!"

    She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door,
    laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

    "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

    After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
     
  15. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

    "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

    "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

    "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
     
  16. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    "Bumper Stickers"

    *If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.


    *Motorcycle version: If you can read this, my wife fell off!


    *Don't drink while driving. You could spill your drink.


    *Don't follow me. I'm lost too.


    *Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.


    *CAUTION! - Driver legally blonde!


    *I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds


    *
    My other bumper sticker is funny.


    *My other car is a broom


    *My other car is also a piece of junk


    *So many pedestrians. So little time.


    *Heavily medicated for your safety.


    *A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.
     
  17. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    You might be a redneck if...

    More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

    You think the stock market has a fence around it.

    You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

    You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

    Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

    Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

    Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

    You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

    You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

    Your home has more miles on it than your car.
     
  18. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints",

    But now they are called.. "IT professionals"
     
  19. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

    A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

    A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

    When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

    A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

    A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

    A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
     
  20. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

    Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news.

    'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars.

    The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''
     

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