Tell Us A Joke!

Discussion in 'The Water Cooler' started by alfred01, May 28, 2011.

  1. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A blonde walks into the university library and shouts I'll take a burger french fries and a shake.

    The librarian says this is a library.

    The blonde looks around at all of the quite people, then whispers I'll take a burger french fries and a shake to go!
     
  2. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
     
  3. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

    Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
     
  4. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
     
  5. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    An Unusual Shopping Trip (A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food.She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like sh**." The little old lady said, "it is!. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
     
  6. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

    "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

    Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

    "How do you know this, Sister?"

    "My Mother Superior told me so."

    "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

    "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

    "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

    "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

    "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

    The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

    "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

    "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
     
  7. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    :rofl:...........:pray:
    ------------------------------------------------

    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.
    "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
    Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
    "Yes, we can do this for you."
    "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?' To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
    [/FONT]
     
  8. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG] [​IMG]

    The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

    20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

    19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

    18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

    17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

    16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

    15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

    14. Bad cop. No donut.

    13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

    12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

    11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

    10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

    9. I pay your salary

    8. So uh, you on the take or what?

    7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

    6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

    5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

    4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

    3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

    2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

    1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
     
  9. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    Speeding

    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
    Officer: May I see your driver's license?
    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
    Officer: The car is stolen?
    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
    Driver: Yes, sir.
    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
    Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
    Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
    Captain: Whose car is this?
    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.
    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
    Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
    Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
     
  10. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bi*ch.

    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of
    the pool and throw them fish?

    Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
     
  11. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!'' And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''[/FONT]
     
  12. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

    What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.


    My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”
    The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.


    Yeah, except today is the last night!.
     
  13. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
     
  14. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    now thats :rofl: unfaithful! good one.....so does this means a get roller blade instead?:redface:
     
  15. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    Early one morning, a mother Sardarni went in to wake up her Sardar son. “Wake up, son. “
    “But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
    “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
    “Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!”
    “Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
    “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
    “Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”
     
  16. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    That one stings a bit :blink:

    There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

    The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

    So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
     
  17. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father.


    He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.


    But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.


    The husband was still feeling fine.

    The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

    The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.


    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
     
  18. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

    The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

    At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

    Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

    When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

    Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
     
  19. rbeldua

    rbeldua Honorable Member

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    A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said,

    "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want

    me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid. So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a

    package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well

    how much did you give the boy this time?" "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him." "That's

    $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???" "Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the

    $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
     
  20. alfred01

    alfred01 Well-Known Member

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    A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

    His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

    The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
     

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