Hello WinWoman:
Welcome aboard and feel free to rant away. Everyone deserves a good rant now and again.
As a senior citizen myself..... I feel your pain

And without a doubt Classic Shell is a suitable alternative if you find yourself unable to deal with the new look and feel of Windows 8. But......
Consider taking some time and experiment with the new interface I suspect you'll be zipping around in no time. Keyboard shortcuts can really be your friend, holding the Windows Logo Key while simultaneously striking another key can sort you out pretty quickly. Like WinKey + X for the new power users menu, WinKey + C for the Charms menu, WinKey + F (find) for Search or just the WinKey alone to bounce back and forth from the start screen to the desktop. And probably the most important one.... WinKey + F1 type in "keyboard shortcuts", pick the first link and then examine the top three links in the results.
Personally, I like things that are new and different, it keeps my brain active and I'm retired so I'm not in any big hurry. Learning Windows 8 can be relatively easy if you approach it with an open mind and I dare say maybe even a little fun.